Thesis Journey

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Exploring links paper.
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Conflict and conflict management
I chose the blog format for this paper assignment.
I had started this blog 3 years ago for my RRU journal, with the same picture of my mom (at bottom), in a post. She was already so vulnerable and often lost by then. Perhaps this paper does not encounter the expected reflective qualities of master level writing, but I will try to express my choice. It holds a little bit of an intuitive angle, since that is also what I gathered from the assignment proposal which inspired me  :  « this paper is intended to deepen and further energize the work around completing thesis journey and learning from it ». It invites us to trust this can be seen as a work in progress / process of our « journey poster » both visual and written. (Robert ad Peter, EECO 680, 2014). The timeline angle of the first few paragraphs presented next will not all be part of the thesis journey presentation or poster, but felt they could help me focus on the origin of the various pitfalls and conflicts encountered along the journey afterwards.

Background
My whole thesis journey or Master enrolment decision -to start from the beginning-, launched a multilevel or multilayer inner conflict I could say. It began with previous education orientation shortcoming obstacles, which felt they interfered with my desire to pursue my environmental education and communication reflection, in the form of a Master’s degree, due to my lack of a scientific background. I don’t feel that I have a particular inclination for regrets, I suppose I have avoided some form of nostalgia now and then, by reflecting enough on my decisions along the way. On the other hand, spontaneous decisions always tend to attract me. In any case, previous choices seem to diminish my master’s options, until I found the MAEEC RRU program. The timing was perfect between family and work opportunities. Our 3 children were old enough, my job fulfilling and supportive enough, and my determination was strong enough to consider everything at once.

The purpose of this brief incursion in the MAEEC’s pre enrolment journey is to share a timeline of the journey’s story, which could seem related to inner conflict decisions. It aims to put the emotional engagement share of my options, in this perspective. Life’s uncertainties had a strong impact on my initial « plans ». Nevertheless, the outcome for me was clear. Conflict was quickly resolved, if it could be named that way.

« To each progressive gain elicits a corresponding loss »  (p.573)
Brutally summarized or reduced to a few sentences, as a caregiver to my mother caught in a psychological distress, which took the form of an Alzheimer diagnosis, changed plans. On a daily basis, it created overall organizational difficulties and by ricochet, postponed my education intents. Much more significantly, not only would my mother fear memorial degeneration and dread the total loss of her identity, but the painful prospect of her own slow psychological degradation and eventual death had already begun, before she could even truly visualize she would perhaps forget who were her cherished family. Such uncertain outcomes (but were they..) expressed themselves by a « very high level of anxiety » for both of us, particularly for my mother. We we're not taking risk here, although « known probabilities » were more likely to happen in the course of the disease's evolution, and although it felt there were no « benchmarks » that could « provide consistency » (Swenson, Rigoni, p.577). in terms of « controlling the situation », in face of the unknown on a psychological level, we could expect medical evolution to resemble other people's suffering in similar conditions. Perhaps it all didn’t exactly bring« peace into the room » (Bowling, Hoffman, 2000, title), but the conflict was not in the decision-taking. I integrated the only satisfying option -or so I felt -, and it is the love and emotional bond I had for my mother which decided for me.

« The complexity Connection ».
In trying to link the Ethical Problem Solving and Systems Theory paper readings to my mother’s inner conflict and my journey, various contributions the paper surprisingly offers the possibility to look at this problem from multiple angles, in regards with systems, interrelationships, and « feedback loops ». My mothers emotional journey and her physical « brain » would both soon experience « chaos ». Could hers and my situation combined be examined under the deontological view and the «inherent morality of the act» of caring for my mother itself? Unless considered under a subjective lens, the « concept of duty and of moral obligation » did not seem to correspond to my emotional or philosophical state of mind and hearth.  And a teleological view, looking « at the amount of good produced by the act» felt very egocentric, and could not offer any genuine foundations, unless one would examine objectively how was my mother taken care of under my hospices, or those of others, we could posit.  Words, almost taken outside of their initial context, still seem to make much sense in this setting. The « ‘space-between’ events » and « the process of change » also felt they were completely in focus with my mother's situation. « The step-by-step view of the problem, with a focus on the present rather then the future »  (p.576) she seemed to adopt at first, was a defensive protection, which delayed the day where she would let the « big picture »in spite of herself.

Ethical dimension and the principle of utility. (p.575)
The complexity and uncertainty, - themes we are presently pondering on- , had challenged both our presents, particularly my mother’s, one could legitimately observe. Our presence to one another had never felt so precious, so fragile and strong, simultaneously. Time was a precarious space and span we could not let interfere with our possibly brief moments of « conscious » life together. She experienced despair, feared loss and there was no such thing as hope in her mind (blink at ecopsychology.) Everything else could wait, and certainly could courses and a degree. As a paradox and a « reductionist view » (Swenson, Rigoni, p.575), of the « best » action in the short term, perhaps, in the end, it is also thanks to my mother’s legacy, that I could attend RRU courses. She was my adoptive mother, but we adopted each other.
(872 words. To be continued).

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Bowling, D. & Hoffman, D. (2000). Bringing Peace into the Room: The Personal Qualities of the Mediator and Their Impact on the Mediation. Negotiation Journal, 16(1), 5-28.

Swenson, D. X. & Rigoni, D. (1999). Ethical problem solving and systems theory: The complexity connection. Systemic Practice and Action Research, 12(6), 573-584. 
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photo : Taken by André / Baskatong