ALREADY ONE YEAR

photo : Taken by André / Baskatong 2010
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MY MOM FRANÇOISE
It hasn't been a year in wilderness and solitude like my instructor Bob Kull's experience, thesis and novel's title say, but today marks -my year in solitude- from my Mom's presence and great love. One year she breathe, embraced life, for her last time. We shared about that in our forums a little. I don't mean to be nostalgic, or to cry on myself, I just need to spend time with people I love. Even if it can only be in thoughts. I am always happy to feel alive.

A souvenir from our last vacation together, in Baskatong Qc, the summer before. Her Alzheimer was already pretty heavy for her to deal with. She was convinced she -knew- she had been there, in that little cottage 6 hours away from home in the deep beautiful wooden and area, when she was young. The plates were the same as in her childhood. Emerging souvenirs were her reality. And we would often laugh together about how that was. In her own lucid words, when the name Lyne, or my daughter refused to emerge, she would manage to say -you are someone I know I love and who loves me back-. It was her reality. And I could only see things her way. The first time your mom forgets your name is seen as a hard experience for most people, selfishly, or legitimately I guess. I was just hoping she would stick around long enough for me to tell her how much I loved her, over and over and my name didn't matter. We could say it as much as we felt, she would always be as happy as if of course, she had never heard it before.

December 18. (Today is also due date for a paper on objective reality.)
If it wasn't for respecting the readings we had to do and the fact they were fascinating, (and well, I figured I have a course assignment to try and understand), I guess my paper would be pretty subjective and nonphysical reality would cross my mind. Today as a -reality-, I wish I could just look into my feelings, dedicate my day to her, lye down in the sand, feel the wind, the sea and not move. But today, tomorrow, whatever, she won't tell the difference anyhow. She believed in interconnection of all things when I think back, in belonging to something greater. What I can think of this minute, is although I was supposed to be one all my life, an orphan, I now know I have experienced it with some «realness» for a year now.

I wrote that last semester in a forum on another subject, but I will always remember the day my mom (and her Alzheimer) said, with doubt or fear in her inquiring eyes while we were discussing of Darwin : But are we sure the earth is round?